2. even in this

Welcome to September, friends. The weather is beginning to cool down outside my front door. There’s a light breeze, but also a cozy warmth in the air. It is beautiful, basking here in the last days of Summer. It has now been a month since the release of The Marigold in Me. I am so thankful for those who have already purchased and read it. I truly pray this book has blessed you. Let’s finish up the story behind it, shall we?

the making of tmim (pt. 2)

Needless to say, I was so moved. How good and full of splendor the Heavenly Father is, that He used a flower to speak! Once I grasped it, I declared, “Okay, so that’s what the book should be about.”

While that was true, it wasn’t all He had planned. In April of this year, I wrote in my journal one morning:

Something broke through.

You might ask, “What broke through, exactly?” Well, though the details are quite personal, I’d like to share a little with you. You see, I didn’t have the best start in life. I experienced a lot of turmoil in the beginning. While in the Lord, I found beauty, fulfillment, and rescue; the aftereffect of those experiences surfaced, leaving unplanned inward struggles. Those are the what I’m referring to. I give glory to the Lord for helping me through back then, and even now. I also have a great deal of love and respect for my church family. They have heard me pour my heart out to them. My pastor and our elders have prayed for me every month, and sometimes even every week. Yet they’ve always been faithful and were always there to embrace me.

Anyways, so, there I was, living life, but in expectation that one day I would be healed. I kept on in the meantime. I can’t remember how it happened or the exact moment. All I knew was that on April 2, something shifted. I’d put many things on hold in the waiting, but once I realized the change in me, confidence was the light that burst through the clouds of my soul. I began dreaming again, making plans, doing what I used to. I continued working on this book, planning to share my testimony of restoration and healing. All I had to do now was wait on the Lord for the epilogue, and it would be ready to publish.

Three months later…

Something also happened.

It’s hard to explain it fully, really.

I didn’t know if I let my guard down, or what happened.
All I knew was, whatever left, returned.
But this time, I felt worse.
Was the battle harder than before? I look back and see that… no, it wasn’t. Really, it was the same as before. It only felt worse because of one thing—
I was broken and weary, and unwilling to rise above it.
I never lost my faith or gave up on God, and I never would. But I owned defeat, and because I owned defeat, I let it shape my entire view of the situation. I believed from then on that my only hope was Heaven. I stopped praying for healing and instead shaped my requests for help to “just get through.”

You might wonder, “Merah, what about the book? What did you do with it?”

Nothing. I stuffed it in the archives and left it alone. Because my healing didn’t go as I planned, I assumed the book no longer served its purpose.

I clung to songs that spoke the words I couldn’t, and communed with the Heavenly Father the only way I knew to—through worship—and found comfort. One honorable mention is this beautiful lyric:

Standing in the desert, shaking my fists
Is God still good? Oh, I think He is
Find me in the wreckage, praise on my lips
Is God still good? Oh, I think He is
- from “I Think He Is” by Rita Springer

Through much striving, victories, and tears, I had to get honest with myself. I had to look myself in the mirror and say, “Merah, your hope isn’t in the healing. It isn’t in yourself. It’s not even in others. It is in God.”

I walked out of worship service one morning and got alone in a quiet room of the building. It was quiet enough that I had a chance to recollect my thoughts. I sat down and took deep breaths, overwhelmed and ready to grab my bag and head home early. But as I closed my eyes, the Lord reminded me of the words of David.

Why my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.
- Psalm 43:5 (NIV)

Sometimes, friend, you have to remind your soul of who God is. David himself did this. He encouraged himself in the Lord! It was my choice at that very second to tell myself, I’m done being stuck like this. I’m done living like God hasn’t been good to me. Because He is, and always will be.

Even as I write today, I am reminded of the truth found in Psalm 139.

Where can I go from Your spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there Your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
-Psalm 139 7:10 (NIV)

From there, I felt the Lord speak to me.

“EVEN IN THIS, I AM STILL GOD.

I AM STILL GOOD.

I AM YOUR STRENGTH.

I AM WITH YOU.

I AM FAITHFUL.”

…

So, did this book go the way I planned?
Not at all.
But even in this, there is still purpose. He is still my strength. He is there to hold me and meet me where I am. And He is still the marigold in me.

I want to encourage you, friend.

No matter what you are going through, remind your soul today. He is still God, even in this.

that’s a wrap!

I truly hope you enjoyed the story behind TMIM. If you’ve been encouraged, I’d recommend you buy the book. If it speaks to your heart, please share it with a friend or loved one. :)

Next month is going to be truly special. It is one of my favorite times of year. I plan to have a special guest join me, my friend Pastor Tim Miller. So, if you’d like to know who that is and what’s in store, stay tuned for October’s post!

Yours,
Merah
~ You are known. You are not forgotten. And you are loved by your Creator.~

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